I’ll admit, I’ve been playing nothing but Tekken for the past week and that had me realize how many women are in that game, and how many just destroy me. On one hand, as a young woman myself it is super empowering to see women be intense and tough regardless of how much clothing they have on, but on the other hand it sucks to lose at video games. This got me thinking, how many other great and wonderful ladies are there in the industry that match this level of idol-ship (other than Lara Croft) and who could best me in hand to hand combat?
You see, I hate to admit it but I’m a very competitive person and can’t stand to lose a fight but in this year of 2016 with the popularizatin of VR there’s bound to be an instance where I can fight everyone’s favourite heroines; continuing with this idea, what names would I see on this list only to verbally state “Not. Happening.” regardless of my own physical stature? Taking off with that, here’s a list of 7 women in video games who I admit (with large hubris) could without a shred of doubt beat me in fist fight.
1. Samus Aran– Metroid Series, Super Smash Bros
In Zero Suit form, Samus Aran could easily beat me up, I’m not even going to argue that. Agile, strong, flexible, and able to throw a hard punch , Samus is not a force to be reckoned with. I feel that if I were to throw a punch at her I’d be met with a strong ‘down B’ style attack and it would be done. In the various games Samus Aran appears in, she plays the role of a bounty hunter who fights literal space pirates; the way I see it, if Samus Aran could beat up a gross alien guy she could easily beat me up.
2. Bayonetta– Bayonetta Series, Super Smash Bros
Bayonetta may be in expert in gun combat, but like me tell you I am terrified of that animated woman’s legs, they seriously have to be strong enough to break buildings in half. Not only that, but I would cower at the idea of having to face somebody who has [spoilers] LITERALLY DEFEATED A GOD. Like, if you ask me, nobody in their right mind would even think of challenging Bayonetta in even a game of cards. Not only that, but her fierce personality exudes an air of intimidation which would only make the hits harder and the aftermath sting. Like a tsunami of kicking, Bayonetta is not a force to be reckoned with.
3. Juliet Starling– Lollipop Chainsaw
I’ll say it now- Lollipop Chainsaw is one of my favourite hack and slash games I’ve ever played in my life, and that being said ,I have memorized all of the combos and possible ways Juliet could win in a fight. You see, while the implication of combat with a chainsaw is heavy, Juliet also has moves and combos that she performs with her pom-poms in order to stun and knock over foes. Now, I don’t know if this is all pom-poms but all of the pom-poms I’ve ever seen have been flimsy balls of fluff and streamer, meaning that those strikes are all muscle and brute force. Juliet Starling is a small mass of unbridled cheerleader-zombie-hunter-fury, and with a history like she has, I would not be picking a fight with her even if I had to. With training in zombie hunting from Sensei Morikawa and her boyfriend’s head on her hip, I can say without an ounce of doubt that Juliet could easily destroy anyone who crosses her path.
4. Claire “Lightning” Faron – Final Fantasy Series
Lighting is intense, fast, strong, and hard hitting. Having debuted in recent Final Fantasy games as the pink haired heroine Lightning can be relied on to beat up any person in any hallway she is faced with while looking stylish in her Louis Vuitton clothing too. To put it simply Lightning could use me as a human punching bag and I’d be smiling because of how downright charismatic the character is (don’t get me wrong though, the opposite of what I want is to get beat up, I’m just saying that while this character could she stands out because of how undeniably fantastic she is Lightning still could crush me with just her pinky finger).
5. Faith Connors – Mirror’s Edge Series
With Mirror’s Edge Catalyst coming out this June, now is the perfect time to reflect on how buff protagonist Faith Conners is. Having myself invested a maximum of twenty minutes in trying to do parkour before falling to the ground with a huff of “screw it” I can state with confidence that parkour takes muscles and determination and I can say even prouder that I know for a fact that Faith Conners is nothing but skin, bones, and big beefy muscles. Not only thinking of her inhuman levels of strength, as players we also know Faith has an ability to literally kick and pull guns out of trained gunmen’s clenched hands and is also able to engage in hand to hand combat with the purpose of stunning enemies. If I ever found myself on a high roof up against Faith I’d most likely run as far and as fast as I can (of course stopping at the edge of the roof because I cannot jump well at all).
6. The Boss – The Metal Gear Series
The Boss is renowned for training everyone’s favourite snake, Naked Snake. The Boss is the epitome of intensity and knowledge in combat. I think Major Zero put it best, the SAS motto belongs to Boss- “Who Dares, Wins.” With a life philosophy like that, The Boss would be the kind of fighter who will take the riskiest shots and will ultimately win, every time. Not to mention that even though it blew her cover, she still went on a missions full pregnancy and was able to use her body to will herself to live through a coma induced by a bullet that grazed her brain. That isn’t even a 16th of all the cool stuff that The Boss has done in her life, from WWII all the way to her legacy found in Naked Snake. If you asked me, I would NOT want to have to face The Boss in any kind of battle, let alone man on man combat.
7. Yennefer of Vengerberg – The Witcher Series
While Yennefer is known for her beauty, I have multiple points to back up why she could cream me in a fight. The first being her scary demeanor; this is reason enough to believe that she is not afraid to punch anybody who gets in her way, followed by the fact that she is literally a sorceress. Now, I know for a fact that in hand on hand combat magic would not be allowed but even then Yen’s pure strength that she displays in combat throughout quests in the Witcher series would be put on full display. Not to mention the fact that even the the Witcher, Geralt of Rivia won’t even mess with her when she’s mad, who knows what kind of fury and rage she is capable of (and we have all seen what even Geralt can do). It also should be noted that seeing as Yennefer used her sorcery to get rid of her hunchback and make her more beautiful it can be assumed she could use the same magic to make herself totally ripped (real talk though without that she could probably still wreck me in combat). Swords, fists, even magic- Yennefer is more than a pretty face and could easily rub my face in the dirt.
8. Amaterasu – Okami, Okamiden, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3
Being literally a god, I believe that there is little to no argument that the deity Amaterasu could absolutely destroy me in a fight. Mind you, I wouldn’t want to even think of fighting a dog in the first place, a goddess dog is another question entirely. In Marvel Vs. Capcom, Amaterasu is arguably one of the strongest and most versatile characters, using biting attacks and tail attacks to destroy her foes (not to mention the fact that being the sun goddess she can harness the energy of the sun at any point in time). Even without the use of Celestial Brush Techniques, Amaterasu could very easily destroy me in a fight, whether it be with attacks found in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 or the simple attacks used in Okami, it goes without saying that the Sun Goddess Amaterasu could totally beat me.
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